Conflict in any meaningful relationship is inevitable. No two humans process life in the exact same way, and each of our unique stories is the result of a distinct combination of triggers, thought patterns, and emotional responses.
No matter how sweet the love, or how magical the romance, there are bound to still be moments of disagreement in a relationship, which could vary from little arguments to full blown squabbles and days of sulking and not speaking to each other.
Established; these arguments do not automatically put your relationship on the brink of failure, no. However, every positive thing has the tendency of becoming negative when it becomes too much.
Following that logic, it is safe to say that having too much of lovers’ fights puts your relationship at risk of breaking apart.
The question then is this; when do these fights become too much, and at what point should one become worried or scared that their relationship will fail due to irreconcilable differences?
One problem you don’t want in your relationship is a lack of communication, or a refusal to.
The truth is that there isn’t an exact measure or a standard rule that helps one decide this. Every relationship is made up of different people who have different ways of relating with each other.
Some couples are non-confrontational, often letting matters slide and just die naturally. Though this is not exactly a good thing. Other couples prefer to talk about all situations, putting their foot down and letting the wrong partner recognize how they are at fault even if it means an argument would ensue.
It appears that the amount of time couples argue or fight is not even what has the biggest potential of destroying the relationship; it is more a question of how they resolve those fights.
If couple A get into a single small fight and begin to hurl insulting, hurtful words at each other, and also refuse to break the ice and talk about the matter, there is a strong possibility that every single day spent not speaking to each other dents the relationship further.
Compare them to couple B, whose quarrels are a bit more often, but every time that happens, they sit down, talk about the issues, apologise sincerely, reach a compromise and those compromises guide how they relate with each other going forward.
It’s important to never let differences and issues get the best of you. Issues can be solved while still hanging on to your relationship.
It’s important to never let differences and issues get the best of you.
Of course, it does not require rocket science to know that couple B has a higher chance of maintaining a healthy relationship. Relationships are hinged on the ability of couples to realise that although fights and differences are inevitable, they are not meant to let these differences get the better of them or the relationship.
Disputes are meant to make couples communicate, help them come to a compromise and understand each other better. As it’s often said: when a couple encounter problems, it’s them versus the problem. Not them against each other.
When is Fighting a Sign of An Unhealthy Relationship?
You’ve Crossed Important Lines
When there’s no respect and important boundaries have been crossed, fighting is nothing but two people screaming at each other, rather than making an attempt to understand one another’s points of view and reach a compromise. There are some things that you can’t take back, once you’ve said them.
You Start Fights Abruptly
Once a fight emerges, if you and your spouse/cohabitee lose your tempers, there’s no ground for understanding. Inevitably, your fights will be resumed to two people screaming, each furiously trying to defend their point of view, instead of listening.
You Have Nothing but Criticism to Offer
Criticism is a bad thing to bring to a fight. When criticized, it is normal for a person to try and defend their point of view, rather than listen to what you say. Therefore, criticising will only force your partner to take on a defensive approach.
You Despise Your Partner
Again, respect is key here. If you don’t feel like your partner has anything valuable or an input to offer, you’re no longer listening. And if your spouse doesn’t feel respected, they’ll see no point in carrying on a discussion with you.
You Are Defensive
If you’re feeling attacked or as if you’re always right, you’ll have the need to defend yourself. However, your spouse is not your enemy or your opponent, he/she is your team mate.
You’d Rather Build a Wall of Silence
During an argument, it is always a good idea to respect your partner and avoid saying things just to hurt them. Still, it is also important not to leave things unsaid. Your point of view is valuable for your partner and besides, remember that an argument is always composed of two people – both need to participate in it, to have a positive outcome.
When a relationship wears out over time, what once were good memories, gain a hue of negativity. If you’re no longer able to remember the positive, or twist your positive experiences together into negative memories, there is no ground for understanding.
Failing to Reconcile
After a fight, when things have cooled off, it is important to make amends with your partner. But if they can’t accept it, then you won’t be able to overcome this obstacle in your relationship and the topic that lead to the fight will still linger between the two of you. Failing to reconcile will likely lead to a dark and heavy mood, as well as recurrent fights.
So ultimately, it is not really about how many times couples quarrel that threatens the health and existence of their relationship, it is their inability to swallow their pride, communicate and reach compromises that potentially does.
Do not seek a partner with whom there will be no differences or clash of opinions; seek one with whom differences can be used to forge healthier, stronger relationships, and you’ll be just fine.